The Void in Our Lives
by Dark Wings Descending
Summary: Sequel to Through the Eyes of a Mother. Jean Grey's death has left an enormous empty space in the lives of those who loved her. Her family seems incapable of moving on, as if somehow Jean is still out there.
1. Trauma

**The Void in Our Lives**

Chapter I: Trauma

" _MOM, NO!" she screamed. A pair of hands held her back to prevent her from falling out of the jet, but she didn't care who they belonged to._

" _I have to do it. It's the only way," Jean's voice echoed in Karah's mind. Then, she gave her daughter a sad smile. "Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll be okay. I love you."_

" _No! Mom, no!" Karah was hysterical. "Don't do this!"_

 _The craft was lifted up in the air by Jean Grey's telekinetic power as she sacrificed herself to save the X-Men. The young woman tried to free herself before her mother was finally drowned by the deep waters of the lake._

"NO!" The scream transported her from nightmare to reality. She was covered in sweat and breathing heavily as she tried to calm herself down, pouring a glass of water from the jug on the nightstand.

"Shit," she cursed. She had had the same recurring nightmare for the last year and a half and she didn't know how to get rid of it.

Karah Grey had found her biological mother Jean when she was almost sixteen years of age and had only had a mere three years with her before the tragedy at Alkali Lake. Because mother and daughter shared telepathic abilities, they had developed a deep bond very quickly, making Jean's loss very traumatic for Karah.

She broke down again. It was unfair that she had found her place in the world by learning about her special abilities and reconnecting with her mother only to have it taken away in a single day. Karah hadn't lost her telepathic abilities, but she was yet to find stability after Jean's death. Professor Xavier had tried to step in as her mentor, but it was proving to be a difficult task for the experienced mutant.

Getting up from bed, she went to the bathroom to splash her face with cold water. She then looked up and saw herself in the mirror: people often told her she resembled Jean and she could see some similarities, the long red hair being the most obvious. But Karah knew certain people, like Scott Summers, were painfully reminded of Jean every time they looked at her, regardless of what she looked like. Logan was also one of those people.

She then went back to bed but was unable to go back to sleep straight away. All the frustration and depressing thoughts she couldn't free herself from usually crept back into her mind after the nightmare; not only had she lost her mother, who she had been on bad terms with in the last days before Alkali Lake, but her then boyfriend had literally abandoned her when she needed him the most.

Yes, it was the lowest move John could have made and he did it. For him, they weren't breaking up; they were simply taking stands on opposite sides. For her, they had never been right for each other; he hadn't liked her until she found her powers and that alone should have been a warning sign for her. It was teenage love, true, but it didn't make betrayal hurt any less.

Months passed before Karah and Pyro, as he was known these days, met again. She screamed at him, slapped him and accused him of being a traitor to the mutant cause. He defended himself with the abuse he had suffered in the past and argued there was no reason for them to be separated. They slept together that night. She felt guilty, he wanted to get back together. It happened again on a few different occasions after that and Karah always stated it would be the last time.

With a sigh, she turned on her side and turned off the light on the nightstand to try to go back to sleep. Tomorrow would just be another day.

* * *

The apartment really needed to be cleaned and tidied, but she was struggling to find time for chores; she was behind on her studies and an eventual graduation seemed more unlikely with every late assignment she turned in.

Trying not to think about how messed up her life was, Karah quickly showered and got dressed before she left her apartment. Fortunately, it had stopped raining; the weather hadn't been very pleasant lately, which only added to her urge to run back to bed and forget about the world.

There was practically no traffic as it was quite early on a Sunday and Karah almost didn't pay attention to her route as she knew it with her eyes closed. Nearly half an hour later, she saw those very familiar heavy iron gates and drove by the rather discreet sign which read _Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters_.

She remained in the car for several minutes after she parked. Every time she came back to the mansion felt like a stab in her heart; it was too unbearable to stay there for long.

With a heavy sigh, Karah Grey exited the car and made her way to the front door. She still had a key. Jean's key. Hesitating for a second, she finally opened the door to find an empty lobby. Most people were obviously still asleep. Why the hell was she here so early?

With no other option to pass the time since the property was very isolated, she decided to go to the library and pick a random book to read. She took her shoes off and made herself comfortable in an armchair with the book, which turned out to be quite boring. She wasn't paying attention to it anyway because the fact that she hated being in that house was hard to ignore and time seemed to pass by extremely slowly.

"I've been expecting you, Karah."


	2. Not Letting Go

**The Void in Our Lives**

Chapter II: Not Letting Go.

"I know."

"How have you been?" the Professor asked. Karah put the book down to look at him.

"Okay, I guess… Just a bit behind on college stuff, but I'm working on it," she tried to lie, but the Professor just remained silent. " _Really_ behind, okay? But I'll get it done, don't worry."

"I always worry about you, Karah," he stated in his usual calm manner.

"You don't need to."

"I'd worry less if you came back home," Charles Xavier paused, "My offer still stands."

"I'm not cut out to be a teacher, Professor." The idea seemed quite absurd to her. "Jean was good at that… but it's one thing I didn't get from her."

"Maybe you are more like her than you can imagine…"

"No, Professor," Karah's tone was cold now, "If I was more like her, I would've taken her out of that lake. I wouldn't have let her die."

"You know Jean wanted you to move on, Karah. She told you that."

"It was easy for her to say it. I got left behind _again._ "

The Professor remained silent while she hid her face in her hands, trying hard not to cry. How could she do it? How could she abandon her over something that shouldn't have happened in the first place?

Karah finally took a deep breath and stared at the wall for a while.

"I don't even know why I'm here."

"Because this is your home. You know you'll always have a place here," Xavier had this enormous patience with her and she was grateful for it.

"Thank you, Professor. You don't deserve half of what I throw at you."

"We need you, Karah. Scott needs you," he insisted. Scott. She couldn't stand to see him suffer, not when she knew Jean's secret and kept it from him. In the end, what good would it do for him to know? It didn't matter anymore.

"I know I have to see him, but… I can't deal with it. I can't see someone suffering as much as I am, especially –" she suddenly stopped. No, she couldn't do it. She couldn't taint her mother's memory, not even to Professor Xavier, the most understanding person she knew.

"You will have to face him eventually."

* * *

It had been a while since she had last ventured further into the mansion; in fact, she hadn't done so since she had packed her bags and left the school, too hurt to stay. She definitely hadn't stepped into her mother's office since her passing and she wasn't keen on doing it now, but she knew that's where she would find him.

The door was closed and Karah searched inside herself for the strength to face the man on the other side.

" _Scott,"_ she reached out to him. When she opened the door, she found he hadn't even turned away from the window. "You really don't want to see me, huh?"

"I'm sorry," Scott broke his silence, facing Karah. He had lost weight and seemed to have aged a thousand years since she had last seen him. She simply walked up to him and hugged him, knowing he was the closest to understanding her pain. He also held her tightly; the only living reminder there was of Jean Grey.

"How are you?" he then asked, releasing her.

"As well as I can be… How about you?"

"Same… Nothing new happening," he gestured for her to sit down. "I haven't heard from you in a while. How's college?"

"Well, not great. In fact, I think I'm gonna quit."

"What do you mean, quit? What's wrong?" Scott actually worried about her like a father would and it made it even harder for her to be near him.

"I don't know… I don't feel… I'm not interested. I feel like I'm wasting my time," she answered, sighing.

"Maybe you just need a break. Why don't you come home and take some time to think about it?"

"I can't come back. I don't want to be a teacher or part of the X-Men or anything everyone expects me to be just because I'm Jean Grey's daughter. I'm not her and I'll never be, Scott," she snapped.

"No one's asking you that to be like her, Karah," Scott wasn't angry or even surprised at her unsettling reaction. "I just want you to be okay. I'll support you no matter what you do, but I don't want you to regret anything."

"I know, I'm sorry," she felt guilty, "I don't know why I said that. It's just so hard to do everything… I feel she wouldn't be very proud of me right now."

"If there's one thing I know she'd be is proud of you," he embraced her again and, for a moment, Karah felt she had a family again.

* * *

She promised Scott she'd make an effort to focus on her studies and then decide what to do when the semester was over. She managed to be on time on Monday morning for class, but struggled to pay attention; Psychology 101 wasn't exactly appealing when you could actually get inside someone's head and she made a note to return to her meditation sessions, as it would help her clear her mind and just pass her exams on something so basic.

Having no social life at college meant she quickly left the campus as soon as her lectures were over; the well-known fact that she was a mutant didn't open many doors to societies, study groups or parties. In fact, she knew she had been neglecting her friends from Xavier's school, the ones that really mattered, but she just couldn't bring herself to call them. Kitty never let go, though, as she was always calling and texting just to check Karah was still breathing (her words). Shadowcat, as she had been nicknamed, just wanted her to know she was there when and if she needed her.

It was raining heavily again and she was completely wet when she reached her apartment, only to see him leaning against the wall waiting for her.

"No, I can't deal with you today," Karah stated coldly, taking the keys out of her bag and opening the door.

"I've been calling you all weekend," John ignored her statement.

"And I've avoided your calls all weekend. What does that tell you?" she didn't expect an answer as she entered the apartment. He followed her before she could slam the door in his face.

"Why are you still doing this?"

"This really has to stop, John. It's crazy this… this _thing_ we do," she said, "We're not together anymore."

"I never broke up with you," he replied, gently grabbing her from behind as she looked in her bag for her phone, "and I don't remember you breaking up with me."

"You _did_ break up with me when you joined the bad guys," she stated, turning around. He kept his arms around her. "I can't forgive you, John, and you need to let me go."

He just looked at her for a second before kissing her. She didn't pull away and he knew she wouldn't try.

"You should go now," Karah said when they parted, but she didn't mean it. Damn it, she knew it was happening again and she was weak.

"Yeah, let's go," was all he said before he kissed her again.


	3. Help

**The Void in Our Lives**

Chapter III: Help

She couldn't sleep. Why had she done it again? Karah knew better than this, yet she found herself once again lying in bed next to John, who was blissfully asleep. This was no way to live, but there was really nothing she looked forward to in life; she just let herself be tamed by her toxic emotions and it was killing her a little bit every day.

Growing restless, Karah got out of bed and put her panties and an old t-shirt on. She went to the kitchenette and turned the kettle on to boil some water. While she waited for it to be ready, she stood there absent-minded, just staring at the small appliance.

" _Karah."_

She immediately snapped out of it, abruptly turning around to see only the quiet living room. What was that? It was definitely not a voice; it sounded more like the memory of a whisper. She couldn't do much but dismiss it, attributing it to exhaustion. Her mind was playing tricks on her, ironically.

After making herself some chamomile tea, she sat down on the couch with a warm blanket and eventually fell asleep.

* * *

" **NEW VACCINE AVAILABLE TOMORROW. DOZENS QUEUE OUTSIDE LAB."**

The news heading was unavoidable as she opened the newspaper webpage in the morning. A rumor about a cure for the mutant gene had been circulating in the media for months, until Worthington Labs confirmed it had developed a serum that would override mutations.

"See? They're trying to cure us now," John stated from behind her, startling her. He had just come out of the shower and was drying his hair with a towel.

"Maybe cure isn't the right word, but there are mutants who want this," Karah retorted, turning to the laptop screen.

"No, _they_ need it. Humans know we'll wipe them out sooner or later and they're trying to do it first." He put his sweater on casually.

"Do you hear yourself?" She couldn't help but feel shocked by his views, even though it was nothing new to her.

"When are you going to wake up, Karah? They're obsolete. This is our time!"

"I don't know why I even bother." She put the laptop down and walked past him to the bedroom.

"You know –"

"Just get out, John. I mean it." The psychic mutant could feel his rage building up, which could trigger an unexpected reaction from her still unstable powers.

"Karah –"

"No!" she interrupted again, "I can't believe I fell for it again. Just get out."

"Okay, I'll go," John replied, defeated, "But you'll see things my way eventually. I know you will."

He slammed the door behind him, leaving her alone and nervous in the small apartment. Why did he have to be like that? Karah was well aware of his background but, back in the day, she had hoped the Professor's teachings would get through to him. Clearly, they hadn't.

She sat down on the bed with a hand on her forehead and closed her eyes to prepare herself for the headache that was coming.

" _Sweetheart."_

That sound again! What was going on? She looked around the room. There was nothing there. Was she finally losing her mind? Maybe this is how it had started with Jason Stryker.

She shuddered. Jean. She couldn't help but relive that helpless feeling every time she remembered her mother's final moments. Sweetheart, that's what she called her. Yes, maybe she was still so affected by Jean's passing that she was starting to imagine things.

* * *

As the days went by, Karah found herself haunted by the dreaded nightmare almost every night now and bombarded by phone calls from John. The result was not getting enough sleep and blocking Pyro's number, apart from not setting foot on campus for almost two weeks.

Although she didn't want to admit she might have a problem, the young mutant finally decided to ask for help. There was only one person who could do just that.

"Hi, Professor," she greeted with little enthusiasm when he picked up the phone.

"Karah. How are you?"

"I need your help. The nightmares are getting worse," she complained, "I think I'm going crazy…"

"You need to relearn how to control your powers. Then you'll be able to stop them yourself," the Professor stated calmly.

"No, you don't understand. I… I hear this voice sometimes, when I'm awake. It almost sounds… It sounds like my mom's voice." Her own voice almost failed at the word _mom_.

"I see," Charles paused for a moment, "Come home, Karah. I will help you."

* * *

Returning to the mansion wouldn't have been her first option, but she just wanted to keep her sanity and regain control of her abilities and so she packed a small suitcase and drove to the school that same day.

She arrived around lunch time, when a lot of kids could be seen on the grounds of the property. It easily reminded her of when she and Kitty, her best friend, used to hang out in the gardens during Karah's identity crisis and it brought a sad smile to her lips.

It was precisely Kitty who came to meet her in the garage. They hugged each other tightly before either of them said a word.

"I've been so worried about you," Kitty Pryde stated as they parted, "I'm sorry I wasn't here last time you visited."

"Well, it was more of a doctor's visit anyway."

"So, it's getting worse?" Shadowcat asked as they left the garage and entered the house.

"Yeah, I'm even afraid to go to sleep, to be honest… It's like my mom's still out there, you know? I don't know how to explain it…" Karah was tired and confused, but she knew she could tell her friend her most ridiculous thoughts.

"You were very close to her. I mean, the connection you two had… I can only imagine…"

Karah stopped abruptly, Kitty did the same. If there was one person she wished she would never see again, it was Logan. Yet, there he was, genuinely surprised to see her.

"Long time, no see, kid," he said, trying to sound casual.

"Not long enough, apparently," was her only reply.

He didn't know that she knew. Nobody else knew except for her and she planned to keep it that way. However, Karah couldn't help but feel bitter about it.

"Right, are you ever gonna tell me what I've done to you?" he asked rather rudely, typically Logan. "You think it's my fault she died?"

"It's your fault we were even there in the first place," she answered and kept walking, not bothering to look at him twice. Kitty rushed to follow her.

"Are you ever gonna tell _me_ what happened with him?" she whispered, making sure Wolverine couldn't hear them anymore.

"I didn't want to talk about it then, Kitty, and I still don't want to do it now."


	4. Are You Still There?

**The Void in Our Lives**

Chapter IV: Are You Still There?

Total darkness. It was all Karah could see. The sounds, however, were those she would never forget: the horrifying screams, the crushing waves, Jean's unbearable goodbye. Slowly, all that chaos returned to her mind and she was there again, trying desperately to reach her, to save her.

" _You'll be okay. I love you."_

"Mom!" Karah cried.

"Karah," the Professor called, bringing her back to the present day.

"She was just here. I could really feel her."

The words didn't make sense, but she was so sure of what she saw…

"It was just a memory, Karah. You can control it, I know you can," he stated and she realized there was one thing Charles Xavier would never fully comprehend: the bond between mother and daughter.

"Why does it feel so real? It's… It's like I'm there again. If I can just get a little closer…" She felt frustrated. "I don't know… Is it possible she left something behind? Like a piece of her mind or…"

"Your minds were connected in such a way that is impossible to replace. That part of you is gone, but you can and you will survive without it. You need to adapt what is left of that connection, Karah. Only then you'll be able to move on."

The Professor made perfect sense and she really wanted to believe she was capable of overcoming the loss, but every day it seemed more and more out of her reach.

* * *

 _It was dark as night. She had been dreaming for so long but it was time to awaken the body. She had tried to reach out to her and tell her she would be safe now, but somehow her mind was broken and unable to respond. She had heard her, she was sure; she just hadn't realized she was not alone anymore._

 _A stir, a shiver. Then, a small flame. It ached and it felt like the first time, like she hadn't released the power when it was most needed. The cold then started to melt away, warmth finally consuming the flesh. Shortly after, she was ready. Oxygen and a spark and finally fire spread its wings._

* * *

Karah felt it again and it was stronger than ever before. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, she realized it was 3 a.m., but she didn't think twice before jumping out of bed to find Kitty.

"Kit," she called, knocking impatiently on her friend's door.

"What happened?" Kitty was barely awake when she opened the door, worried.

"There's something wrong. I don't know what it is, but my dream just turned even creepier."

She was aware that she might sound like a lunatic, but there was no time to waste.

"I have to go back to Alkali Lake."

"What?! Why?!"

"I don't know, I just have to. There's… something there," Karah answered in an anxious state. Fortunately, Kitty did not need to be told twice when her help was requested.

"Okay, calm down. Let me get changed."

* * *

It was not the best gesture of gratitude, but Karah decided to borrow the Blackbird in the middle of the night without asking the Professor; she was certain he would forgive her later, regardless of what they found at the lake.

"I hope you're right about this," Kitty stated as she put the seatbelt on.

"Me too. Whatever it is," she replied.

Karah had only co-piloted for Ororo twice before, which was a total of two times more than Kitty had. Luckily, the girls could rely on autopilot, needing only to define the coordinates to Alkali Lake and do minimal actual piloting.

"You think you're going to find the answer there? About your dreams?" Kitty sounded worried for her friend, whose emotional state was already fragile.

"I feel… I know it sounds crazy, but it's like something's calling me there."

Kitty reached out and held Karah's hand.

"Maybe this is what you need to get closure… I mean, the way we left that day…"

"Yeah, maybe it is."

Karah was not convinced.

Nearly two hours later, they finally arrived at the lake. Turns out autopilot was extremely cautious, which meant extremely slow. Before leaving the plane, the young women armed themselves with flashlights to scout the area as it was impossible to see anything in the night outside.

The lake was still and silent, unlike what Karah remembered. Every memory about that day was both chaotic and clear to her; she knew why they had gone there in the first place, but the outcome made it look so absurd… She had to shake those memories away as she searched the shores for something, anything that could tell her why she was actually there.

"Did you find anything yet?" Kitty whispered after a while.

"No… Just pebbles everywhere."

They decided to split in different directions to cover more ground more quickly and soon lost sight of each other. Karah felt extremely uncomfortable in the dark that night, even though she usually felt at ease in it; the flashlight couldn't show her much of what was ahead, but apparently there wasn't much to be shown anyway. The place was deserted, just like it had been left year and a half before.

She soon lost track of time and the distance from the Blackbird and decided to walk closer to the lake shore to make her way back to the plane and call for Kitty. The waters were black and quietly menacing under the night, like a mythological monster was hiding just under the surface, waiting for unsuspecting victims. She kneeled down and got the knees of her jeans wet as she looked closer, unaware that she was holding her breath.

Then, she heard it.

"Sweetheart."


End file.
